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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26992201">My Happiness Is With You</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatnerdemryn/pseuds/thatnerdemryn'>thatnerdemryn</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Criminal Minds (US TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Canon-Typical Violence, Coda, Dreams, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s09e05 Route 66, F/M, Family Feels, First Kiss, Fix-It, Flashbacks, Fluff, Light Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, Memories</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 23:40:08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>5,687</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26992201</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatnerdemryn/pseuds/thatnerdemryn</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“Oh, he’s really good with Jack,” Haley said and when Hotch expected to hear resentment, he heard appreciation. Hotch shook his head and watched the image fade into yet another of his son. </p><p>“He’s not <em>you</em>,” Hotch said truthfully. Wasn’t that always the case? No one would ever be Haley. No one could compete with her kindness and her strength and her willingness to look past every single flaw Hotch had and love him anyway. No one would <em>ever</em> be her, not in the ways that mattered. In fleeting self-doubt, he whispered, “And I’m not enough.”</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Aaron Hotchner/Haley Hotchner, Aaron Hotchner/Spencer Reid</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>187</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>My Happiness Is With You</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I've been wanting to write a HotchRied coda to this episode for WEEKS but I had to wait for my dear friend to catch up before I could throw myself into it. I truly hope you appreciate how I would have liked to see this scene play out if the writers would just admit Hotch was in love with Spencer, and of course, that Spencer loved Hotch back. </p><p>Enjoy!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>The surroundings were unfamiliar to Hotch and he instinctively reached for the butt of his gun that should have been neatly placed at his waist. His hand came away empty but he hadn’t let his panic overtake him. He was an analyst - by career and by nature - so he had done the one thing he could in an unusual situation. He glanced around the eerily empty street, illuminated by only a few street lamps and the flickering lights of shaded windows, but he wasn’t able to deconstruct the setting he had found himself in. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He recognized the building he stood in front of as an antique theater, one that he had taken Haley to on their very first date back when they were young and in love - before her life had been ended too prematurely and violently. With a rough shake of his head, Hotch reminded himself to stay focused and tried to recall the hours before that must have gotten him there. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The conference room flashed in his mind and the faces of his team bouncing off ideas for their newest case involving a parental kidnapping made themselves clear. Rossi’s calming voice, JJ’s empathy of the situation, Blake’s surprise at BAU involvement, and Reid’s concerning glances pushed their way forward. Why had Reid looked so worried?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hotch’s chest felt as if it was on fire and he grasped at it only to pull back bloodied fingers that quaked, his breath catching in his throat as an overwhelming pain coursed through him. He took note of the plain but slightly patterned scrubs that adorned his wounded body through his alarm and squeezed his eyes closed to will himself out of his head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Aaron, we’re going to miss the previews!” It couldn’t have been Haley’s voice that thrust him out of his panic, but when he opened his tightly shut eyes, she was there, glowing in front of him. She looked just as beautiful as he remembered her; her hair pulled back neatly in an intricate updo, a silken green dress hanging off of her shoulders, one of which embellished with a dark broche, and her face perfectly made up like she was attending a prestigious event. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The scrubs that Hotch had clutched a few moments earlier were magically replaced by a tux that he knew was stranded in the back of his closet after years of weight and muscle gain rendered it too small for his solid frame. He held his hands out in front of him and where blood had stained the skin was now back to its pale hue. The ends of his sleeves were folded methodically, pinned together with emerald cufflinks that matched the bold color of Haley’s dress and more importantly, her eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The last time he had seen Haley’s eyes, they were indescribable; dark with the shadow of pain and empty of any life, just as her body was. Emotion built up inside of him, catching in his throat as unshed tears glistened in the corner of his eyes. Haley looked at him so brightly - the smile Hotch had remembered from their many happy years together beaming - and when her hand reached out for his, he didn’t have to think as he gripped her back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Honey, we have the best seats in the house. We have to get inside before we lose them!” She said excitedly as she pulled him toward the door. Hotch followed her as he always had. He had been willing to follow Haley anywhere from the moment he met her and right then was no different. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, dear,” he responded, his voice breaking over the still unshed tears. She led him to an empty theater, pointing eagerly at the row they had always chosen - third from the front with seats directly in the middle - before taking a seat and staring at the blank screen that illuminated the darkened room. Hotch loomed next to her as fear built up inside of him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>After a few moments of peaceful silence, he broke it by whispering, “I haven’t told you how beautiful you look.” He had never told her enough. He thanked whatever brought him to that moment with her for giving him the chance to remind her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t look so bad yourself,” she responded with a wink as she tugged him down into the seat beside her. His eyes discovered the small glint of her wedding band placed neatly on her finger and he shook his head in disbelief. He hadn’t seen the sentimental piece of jewelry on her hand for years and forgot how much he missed it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I miss you,” he admitted as one tear tracked its way down his face. She ran a gentle finger along his cheek, wiping it away as she had with Jack’s years ago, and he leaned into the touch. He wasn’t sure how long he would have it so he wasn’t going to let it go to waste. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know,” she said softly, patting gently before a flash of light caught both of their eyes. “Ooh, it’s starting!” She exclaimed as she righted herself in her seat and grinned at the screen. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Images of Jack flashed across the screen; soccer games Hotch had coached, science projects Jack had won awards for, moments of pure joy that only a child could experience even through all of the pain he had been put through. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh,” Haley whispered tearily, “look how happy he is.” Hotch nodded and held her hand a bit tighter. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The screen projected a memory Hotch hadn’t realized was special. It showed Jack running across a college auditorium and straight into the arms of Spencer who lifted him high off of the ground and then settled him on his hip. Both of their smiles seemed to light up the otherwise dull room. A surge of relief raced through him at the sight of Spencer and, although it should have been surprising to Hotch, it was the only thing able to ground him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>More of Hotch’s memories appeared on screen and the one thing that attracted his attention was that they all contained </span>
  <em>
    <span>Spencer</span>
  </em>
  <span>. There was an image of Spencer introducing Jack to the “classic” children’s books that were now housed on the shelf in his room while Jack giggled at the individual voices Spencer created for each character. Then there was a reproduction of Jack tugging Spencer into the pillow fort Hotch had spent an entirely unreasonable amount of time putting together, but it was worth it as Hotch’s laptop played James and the Giant Peach in the background. Neither Spencer nor Jack had seen it prior to that moment and Hotch spent a majority of the night after Jack had gone to bed teasing Spencer for his lack of Roald Dahl knowledge. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s gotten so big,” Haley noted with enough of a hint of sadness in her voice for Hotch to redirect his attention to her. She waved him off and gestured toward the screen as another memory revealed itself. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>That one was after Jack had taken a particularly gnarly fall on the soccer field. His elbow was barely scraped and his knees just a little grass-stained, but his eyes filled to the brim with tears that Hotch could tell he was holding back. Spencer came into view and kneeled down next to him, pulling a bandaid magically from behind Jack’s ear before pasting it over the cut. Jack looked at him with such awe and then exploded into a fit of laughter that sounded wet, but </span>
  <em>
    <span>real</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, he’s really good with Jack,” Haley said and when Hotch expected to hear resentment, he heard appreciation. Hotch shook his head and watched the image fade into yet another of his son. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s not </span>
  <em>
    <span>you</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” Hotch said truthfully. Wasn’t that always the case? No one would ever </span>
  <em>
    <span>be</span>
  </em>
  <span> Haley. No one could compete with her kindness and her strength and her willingness to look past every single flaw Hotch had and love him anyway. No one would </span>
  <em>
    <span>ever</span>
  </em>
  <span> be her, not in the ways that mattered. In fleeting self-doubt, he whispered, “And I’m not enough.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Stop beating yourself up, Aaron. You’re an </span>
  <em>
    <span>amazing</span>
  </em>
  <span> dad, just look at him,” she chastised with a light swat on his arm. Hotch struggled to glance up at the screen as it continued to project the most joyous moments of Jack’s life. “You always have been, you know,” she added but it had been clear to Hotch that it wasn’t an afterthought. He appreciated it even more now that she was gone. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s hard,” he admitted as another tear fell, “and I’m alone.” Haley turned to him and tilted her head, a sad smile replacing her bright grin. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, you’re not,” Haley corrected. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Pictures of his team flashed across the screen; Halloween’s spent trick-or-treating with JJ and Henry, scrimmages assisted with Rossi’s exuberant energy, postcards from all around London collecting dust on Jack’s desk from Emily, countless hours of video games played with Garcia, Morgan lifting Jack up high to score the “winning” basket in a game of hoops, Jessica enveloping Jack in the warmest of hugs that reminded both of them of Haley. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Jack misses you, too,” Hotch quickly changed the subject as he wiped at his own face, suddenly embarrassed by the tears that left glistening trails. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, then you should talk about me more,” Haley accused, raising her eyebrows in Hotch’s direction. He felt the loss of her almost forgotten playfulness with just a simple glance. “You should </span>
  <em>
    <span>talk</span>
  </em>
  <span> more, period.” The words sounded accusatory but Hotch couldn’t bring himself to be mad. Even when Haley was alive, she was always right and she knew it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Haley--” She reached to wipe the dampness off of his face and placed another warm smile on her painted lips. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s not like you, Aaron,” she started, nodding her head as if those words were the most important, “he needs to hear the words.” Hotch nodded back because everything she said was important, but he had to remember just how much he neglected that when they were married. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They sat in comfortable silence for a few minutes, Haley humming quietly in contentment as Hotch read Jack to sleep and shouting at the projection as Jack scored his first soccer goal. Hotch let himself live in the moment because he knew how it worked; whatever dream he was having would be torn away from him soon enough. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t remember him being that </span>
  <em>
    <span>cute</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” Haley said as another image of Spencer presented itself on the screen. Hotch had let out an unusual huff of laughter because he recalled having exactly the same thought once upon a time. His feelings for Spencer - for a </span>
  <em>
    <span>man</span>
  </em>
  <span>, no less - had continued to surprise him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hotch was thrown as a figure blocked the happy memories and a muttered, “Excuse me,” had his heart stopping from where it pumped in his chest. “Oh, ooh, pardon me. Sorry about that.” The familiar voice was like ice in his veins and he was powerless against the way his muscles froze. “I hope I didn’t miss anything!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s he doing here?” Hotch choked out, pulling at Haley’s arm. He could save her - </span>
  <em>
    <span>this time</span>
  </em>
  <span>, he could save her from Foyet. But Haley pressed a finger to her lips and shot a glare in his direction as he interrupted the newest scene. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay, I invited him,” Haley reasoned as if it wasn’t the most ridiculous sentiment in the world. Hotch had thought the night had been a perfect dream, but then his nightmare had entered and all he wished for was to wake up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wowza,” Foyet whistled, “he is </span>
  <em>
    <span>adorable</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” he noted as he shoved a messy handful of buttered popcorn into his mouth. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Haley hummed in agreement and agreed, “Isn’t he?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I would tear that up,” Foyet laughed with a sickening grin on his face that had Hotch’s stomach lurching and his skin bubbling with fear. “I bet he’s a real tiger in the sack, huh? It’s always the nerdy ones,” Foyet noted as he held the bucket of popcorn over Haley to offer it to Hotch. He pouted as Hotch just stared at him, his face showing no fear as it never had before. “What about you?” He asked, tilting the bucket toward Haley. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ooh, don’t mind if I do,” Haley said as she grabbed a few pieces and placed one tidily in her mouth. She was careful not to smudge her carefully applied lipstick as she ate and she watched the screen with happiness glossed over her features. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Haley let out a girlish giggle and Hotch’s eyes instinctively darted to the screen to see what brought her such joy. The gunshot echoed through the empty theater and when Hotch turned back toward the pair, Haley’s emerald dress was stained with the darkest red even the most guarded part of his imagination could conjure. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Haley! No, no, no, no,” Hotch repeated frantically as he tore off his jacket and pressed it against Haley’s stomach, “I need more pressure!” He shouted as his jacket soaked through with his wife’s blood. “Somebody help me! Help me, please!” He begged though he was sure no one could hear him; if they had the gunshot that resounded through the room would have sent someone running. When he glanced up at Haley, her smile continued on as wide as ever and her eyes were bright and alive. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Alive</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Hotch whispered to himself. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Would you pipe down over there, we’re getting to the good stuff,” Foyet complained waving a popcorn filled fist at the screen. Hotch glanced over his shoulder to see nothing but Spencer speeding across; the small smiles they shared, the lingering touches Hotch had tried not to think too much of and the ones he found himself giving effortlessly back, the worried glimpses Hotch had never really noticed until that moment. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He turned his attention back to Haley and the blood that continued to spread like a painting over the fine silk of her dress. “Haley, I’m so sorry, this is all my fault,” he cried as he pressed his hands more urgently against the wound. He attempted to feel around for where the bullet must have entered, to use the training he had to figure out the steps to save her because he </span>
  <em>
    <span>had</span>
  </em>
  <span> to. He couldn’t let her die at his hands again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh my god, </span>
  <em>
    <span>c’mon</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” Foyet fussed with an exaggerated roll of his eyes. Hotch met his gaze for a moment and had to look away as memories of the murderer standing over him, straddling his waist and stabbing him slowly over and over again overwhelmed him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can’t stop the bleeding,” Hotch shouted desperately, “I can’t stop the bleeding!” It couldn’t happen again, he couldn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>lose</span>
  </em>
  <span> her again, and why couldn’t he stop the bleeding?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay,” Haley cooed as she peered down at Hotch, “you’re not supposed to.” Hotch gaped up at her, his breath heaving in and out of his chest in both panic and an exhaustion he couldn’t explain. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She’s right, so can we watch the show? Thank you,” Foyet said with a smarmy scrunch of his face as he tossed back another handful of popcorn. Hotch leaned back only slightly as Haley giggled and awed at the screen. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jack was enveloped in a hug from long arms that Hotch instantly recognized as Spencer’s. It was one of the times they had to say goodbye and Jack had never been good at them. Hotch could never blame him, though, as one of the last times he ever said the words, he had never seen his mom again. Spencer had pulled him into a tight hug and told him, “Goodbyes are overrated, so I’ll see you later, okay?” And it was as if the word ceased to exist. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>The End</span>
  </em>
  <span> filled the screen but Hotch had known something felt off. That couldn’t be the end, he couldn’t be forced to leave Haley again as she bled out right in front of him. He decided that even though he hadn’t had a say in Haley’s end to life, he did have some control of whatever he was experiencing. Haley and Foyet let out twin sighs before the silence was broken again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That was awesome,” Foyet said as he nodded encouragingly at the now empty screen. Haley hummed in agreement before tilting her head at Hotch, her lips turning at the corners for a solemn smile. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, it’s time to go,” she said as she pushed Hotch’s jacket back into his trembling hands. On instinct, he tried to keep it a distance from his untainted, white shirt but when he glanced down, all of the blood that had haunted him had disappeared. Haley’s dress was smooth against her abdomen and not even a burn from the gunpowder had dirtied it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I gotta go take a leak,” Foyet grumbled as he set the popcorn bucket in the seat beside him, “I’ll meet you guys in the lobby.” He stepped around Hotch with a friendly pat to his arm and it took everything in him not to recoil at the touch. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Haley stood and made her way up the dimly lit aisle, her dress floating behind her as she walked. Hotch stood dumbfounded for a few moments before chasing her through the doors, squinting his eyes at the brightness of the fluorescent lobby lights. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well that was fun,” Haley pointed out as she sauntered through the open space and toward the front doors. Hotch’s heart stuttered in his chest at the inevitable thought of losing her again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t want you to go,” Hotch pleaded as he caught up to her, stretching out for the hand that seemed to always be just out of reach. Haley’s cheerful laughter filled the air as she peered back at him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What about Jack?” She said as she continued her stare. Hotch wanted her to stop walking and to give him the chance he never really had to remind her how much he loved her. “And Spencer?” She added and Hotch ignored the way the name stopped him in his tracks. “They need you now more than ever.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just a little while longer,” Hotch begged, but he knew Haley - they might not have been together when she died, but he knew her better than anyone - and once she set her mind to something, there was no convincing her otherwise. “Please?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“There’s no </span>
  <em>
    <span>time</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” Haley affirmed with a laugh. “You have to go back now,” she ordered and the last thread of sanity Hotch thought he had snapped. He stepped in front of her and held a hand out in hopes of feeling the warmth of her touch one more time. If one more time was all he had, he would give anything for it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I want to stay with you,” he pleaded as the breath that had been caught in his lungs pushed out in a heavy sigh. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know you’re the big boss man, but you can’t always have your way, you know,” Haley challenged with a smirk on her lips and a raise of her eyebrows, “sometimes you just have to roll with it.” The phrase sounded so much like something Spencer would have said and it took him a moment to realize that Haley was walking out the door. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know how,” Hotch brokenly admitted. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>With a hand pressed against the door, Haley said, “Happiness is a choice.” She turned back to him and shook her head slowly. “So, choose.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But </span>
  <em>
    <span>how</span>
  </em>
  <span>?” Hotch asked as he ran after her and into the still-empty streets he had awoken in. The scrubs he had arrived in brushed against his bare thighs and he felt a chill throughout his body, but he didn’t care. Haley seemed to hold all of the answers as she always had and Hotch had needed them more than he ever had. “How do I choose?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Get out of your head,” Haley said simply as she turned back toward Hotch with a comforting smile on her face. “The heart is the one that knows, so follow it,” she demanded but there was no malice in her voice - just hope. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, what gives? I thought we were gonna meet in the lobby?” Foyet complained as he stepped out onto the street. As if all anger was forgotten, Foyet said, “Anybody gonna catch the subway downtown? I hear it’s gonna be a hot one.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hotch stared at him blankly, wishing more than anything else that he would just disappear. Haley shook her head at him and he pouted, looking almost childlike in his demeanor and with the patterned clothes and the bright red balloon floating beside his head. He shrugged and took a step toward Haley and Hotch had to remind himself that he couldn’t hurt her wherever they were as he wrapped her in his arms. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, this was great, huh?” He noted as he squeezed Haley tightly. As he pulled away, he held her waist in his hands and said, “We’ve gotta do this again.” Haley nodded slowly and sadly, her eyes never leaving Hotch’s. “Come here, big guy!” Foyet exclaimed as he leaned in to embrace Hotch. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The hands that had once been the cause of so much pain and agony patted Hotch’s back and the body that had once surrounded him in the worst moments of his life pushed closer and Hotch had welcomed it. Haley was smiling at the two of them as if she was proud and really, that’s all Hotch had ever wanted. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Take care of yourself, alright?” Foyet asked, raising an accusing eyebrow at Hotch as if he had known Hotch been doing the exact opposite. “And jeez Louise, loosen up a bit. Would it kill you to smile? Seriously,” Foyet teased as he squeezed Hotch’s arms lightly as an almost friendly gesture that Hotch hadn’t immediately recoiled from. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>As he walked away, Foyet sent Haley an affectionate smile that she gladly returned. She tilted her head happily and they both watched as Foyet vanished into the night air. Hotch took a moment to let the cold air calm him as he stared up toward the sky. It was glowing - brighter than it should have been considering what time of night Hotch thought it was - and there were small shadows peeping from the corner of his vision that he couldn’t stop to explain. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Spencer’s a keeper.” Haley’s voice broke Hotch out of his thoughts as he stared back at her. “He’s always been there for you and Jack really loves him,” she noted with a fondness in her voice that Hotch had barely remembered. Her face went serious and she held up an accusing finger before stating, “So don’t screw it up.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hotch wasn’t sure how to respond, especially when she took a few shy steps forward and slid her wedding ring off of her finger. The tears that had kept themselves at bay since they had stepped outside welled up uncontrollably as she reached for his hand and placed the ring in the center of his palm. He couldn’t stop the broken sob that escaped from his throat as she peered up at him, tears bubbling in her own beautiful eyes. She closed his fingers around the ring and rested a comforting hand on his shoulder as she leaned closer to press a final, lingering kiss to his lips. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“See you later, Aaron,” Haley whispered through her tears. “And yes,” she started, tilting her head at him in that way only a wife and mother does, “I still love you, too.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hotch thought of a million things he could have said - I love you, I miss you, </span>
  <em>
    <span>thank you</span>
  </em>
  <span> - but no words broke the silence surrounding them. Haley ran a thumb underneath Hotch’s eye before she turned and walked into the night. When she vanished, Hotch had thought a piece of him would vanish, too. Instead, his heart felt more full than it had since the moment his son was born.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He clutched the discarded piece of jewelry to his chest, feeling the way his heart slowed and his breath rose and fell at a steady pace. He wondered if that was what peace felt like. He walked toward the waiting car and the chauffeur he barely recognized as Rossi opened the door, closing it behind him as he climbed in. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>As the car pulled away from the curb, Hotch stared longingly at another memory he would try to hold onto forever and thought about how to make Haley’s words count. </span>
</p><hr/><p>
  <span>Hotch awoke in a hospital bed, his eyes struggling to adjust to the bright lights above him and the muffled voices and beeping resounding in his ears. He tried to lift his head but whatever had landed him there had inhibited his ability to do so without a throbbing pain surging through his body. A grunt pushed past his lips before he could stop it and all of a sudden, the lights were blocked by a shadow of shaggy hair. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re awake,” Spencer said, because even in a daze, Hotch would recognize his voice. Hotch tried to speak but his words came out jumbled and Spencer seemed to let the panic Hotch rarely saw rise in him. “I have to get the nurse, they said--”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Spencer,” Hotch croaked, gripping onto his arm to stop him from creating any space between them. He’d had enough distance from Spencer, enough of the tiptoeing around each other and pretending that the time was never right. If he had learned anything from Haley, both when she was alive and in his dream, it was that time hadn’t meant a damn thing if you weren’t spending it with the people that you loved. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You collapsed,” Spencer breathed out what sounded like a sigh of relief, “and the, uh, doctors were concerned for internal bleeding so they rushed you into emergency surgery. They think it had something to do with the,” Spencer gulped and took a breath as if to calm himself. Hotch squeezed his hand and urged him to continue. He had known Spencer long enough to know that stating facts out loud was one of the only ways he could remain calm in situations of unease. “They think there were complications from the stabbing, but the surgery went okay. You’re </span>
  <em>
    <span>okay</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” Spencer finished and his other hand rested hesitantly on Hotch’s shoulder. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Where’s Jack?” Hotch asked because first and foremost, Haley reminded him that his son was the most important aspect of his life. Jack didn’t need any more parental trauma to knock his world off-kilter and Hotch needed to know he was okay. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s with Jessica. They’ve been calling every thirty minutes for updates, should I--?” Hotch shook his head as Spencer reached for the phone attached to his belt. Hotch pulled him closer, hoping that Spencer would relax and give him a moment to think. Spencer nodded as if reading his mind, something both of them had been far too good at, and settled back in the chair tucked closely to the side of the bed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You didn’t go with the team,” Hotch noted. It wasn’t a question but Spencer answered anyways. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I had my phone, they could call me if they needed me, but we already knew who this unsub was and the geographical profile was pretty straight forward, and--” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not angry with you,” Hotch interrupted because otherwise, he was sure Spencer wouldn’t stop making excuses. “I would have done the same thing,” Hotch said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Spencer nodded seriously and responded, “Of course you would, you’re the leader of the team.” Hotch’s eyes blinked slowly as the true meaning behind his words flew right over Spencer’s head. For a certified genius and an incredible profiler, Spencer had the toughest time reading the people closest to him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, Spencer,” Hotch started as he pushed himself up as much as he could, the wires attached to him restricting his movements far more than he had liked. Spencer leaned forward to help but Hotch shook him off, opting instead to lace their fingers together more intimately than they ever had been. “If it was you on this bed, I would have never left your side.” Hotch watched as Spencer’s throat bobbed with a nervous gulp as if he had been caught with his hand in the proverbial cookie jar. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I had to fight Rossi to let me stay here. He said you’d want me on site, but I knew I wouldn’t have been of any use to the team if I didn’t know what was going on.” The admission was one that Hotch hadn’t been expecting. It was obvious to him after watching memory after memory of their relationship blossom that what he felt toward Spencer was nothing if not romantic, but there had been an aching part of him that feared his emotions weren’t returned. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Spencer, I--” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I haven’t been that terrified since Tobias had me tied to a chair with no means to escape, or when Maeve was by that evil bitch, or any other time my life or the life of one of our friends was at stake,” Spencer blurted, his face reddening with embarrassment at the confession. He seemed to mull over his next words before he said, “I wasn’t sure - until you </span>
  <em>
    <span>excused yourself</span>
  </em>
  <span> before you passed out on the conference room floor - that my feelings for you weren’t fueled by attraction or fear or the power you hold over me in my career.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You know--” Spencer just nodded and held up his unoccupied hand before resting it gently on the side of Hotch’s face. Hotch preened into the touch and it was as if an instant wave of relief crashed through him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“All of those things are true; I was instantly attracted to you from the moment we met and you shook my hand and introduced me to everyone as ‘Doctor.’ When my greatest fear was becoming reality, my mind held onto you and trusted only </span>
  <em>
    <span>you</span>
  </em>
  <span> to save me. Time and time again, I convinced myself that you and I didn’t make sense. You and Prentiss with your headstrong personalities, you and JJ with your impeccable parental instincts; hell, even you and Morgan have more in common than you and I could ever have, but Hotch,” Spencer leaned just a few inches further so that he could really look at Hotch, and all of the emotion building up inside of him seemed to burst at the seams at the admiration Spencer’s eyes contained. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We </span>
  <em>
    <span>do</span>
  </em>
  <span> make sense,” Hotch argued before Spencer could finish his thought, because no matter what he had to say, Hotch had to let him know just how destined they were to be together. “You’ve been there for me when it seemed like everyone else had let me down. You have worried for me, comforted me, and reminded me that I don’t have to be so </span>
  <em>
    <span>serious</span>
  </em>
  <span> all of the time.” Haley’s words resonated in his mind as a soft smile appeared on his lips. “You’ve made me smile when others had thought it was impossible and made me laugh with your magic and the statistics you pull out of some special part of your mind.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They laughed together for a moment, just enjoying the others company as if they were holding onto the seconds before everything was about to change. Hotch pulled their joined hands to his lips and pressed a soft, dry kiss to the skin of Spencer’s knuckles before blinking back tears he hadn’t realized had started to accumulate. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Haley reminded me that happiness is a choice,” Hotch started and saying Haley’s name out loud had never felt so right on his lips. “I’ve always chosen to live my life too seriously. Somewhere along the way, I forgot that I deserve to choose happiness and Spencer,” Hotch let out a shaky breath, “my happiness is with you.”  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Spencer huffed out a watery laugh before he moved forward and pressed their lips together. Everything about their situation should have rendered it flawed - far inferior to the kisses Spencer read aloud on the nights they put Jack to bed together - but flawed or not, Hotch had known from the moment Spencer’s mouth was on his that it was perfect. Hotch’s lips were too dry, his muscles too weak to do much more than crane his neck and let Spencer’s mouth take what he had wanted, but neither of them complained as they exchanged whispered confessions of love and promises for the future. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hotch had thought he’d lost everything when Haley had been killed. He thought he would lose his son to grief, himself to mourning, the family he had loved so much to blame and vengeance, but he should have remembered that every ending meant a new beginning. Haley had set him free with her simple encouragement; to build a new life, not without her in it, but with her memory watching over the people that she loved. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When Spencer pulled away, another piece of Haley’s advice echoed through his mind. He held Spencer’s face in his hands and whispered, “I’m not good with words.” He narrowed his eyes when Spencer scoffed but couldn’t resist pressing a chaste kiss to his lips again. “And I’ve been reminded that sometimes, people need to hear them to know that they mean something. So,” Hotch shook his head and smiled widely, “I love you, Spencer.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I love you, too,” Spencer sighed as he clutched Hotch’s hand to his chest and kissed every pale knuckle as softly as he could. “You’re not allowed to do this again, okay?” Spencer asked as Hotch brushed a stray strand of hair behind his ear and let Spencer lean into the touch. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hotch laughed and said, “I make no promises, but--” He gazed at Spencer; the way his eyes sparkled with unshed tears, the slight upturn of his nose and the barely-there stubble he had been trying to grow, the smooth lines of his jaw and the way their fingers looked while intertwined. It was then that he realized, “I’ve got a lot to live for.” </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This ended up being one of my favorite ideas and I wrote it all in one go which makes me *incredibly* proud. </p><p>If you enjoyed, please feel free to follow me on <a href="https://thatnerdemilyj.tumblr.com/">Tumblr</a> and <a href="https://twitter.com/thatnerdemilyj/">Twitter</a>.</p><p>Kudos make me smile and comments make me weep, so please leave them!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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